Lies

Three little words,

One

huge

question.

“Are you okay?”

Forced to lie or be discovered, I lie forevermore.

I lie when I say I’m okay;

I lie when I say I’m not mad.

I lie when I smile, I lie when I laugh.

Just as we all lie every day.

“Are you okay?”

I could choose to say no. I could choose to tell the truth and risk hurting those around me…

but that risk is far too great.

In a world filled with lies, why do we bother to tell the truth?

When it is easier to lie,

everyone lies.

“Are you okay?”

Someday I will tell the truth. Someday.

Not today.

Today I will lie just like everyone else…

because

everyone lies.

But what about you?

“Are you okay?”

Choose your answer carefully, ponder each logical choice.

Yes… or no?

You decide.

Decide if today will be the day to stop lying and start answering truthfully.

I’ve made my choice.

Have you?

Black Lies

Webster’s English Dictionary defines the word ‘lie’ as follows:

A falsehood uttered or acted for the purpose of deception; an intentional violation of truth; an untruth spoken with the intention to deceive.

On the outside, I have it pretty good. My parents love me and they love each other. My brother and I get along really well. I have a lot of friends. On the outside, I lie to everyone when I smile through my teeth and tell them the things they want to hear. I lie when I say I’m okay, but don’t worry; they’re just little lies, white lies. They won’t hurt anyone, but me… because eventually, little white lies combine and add up until all you have are the big lies; the bad lies; the black lies. Black lies are like the big secrets that you have to tell someone, but that you can’t tell anyone. Guess what, I have a black lie. Oh, I won’t tell you what it is, oh no, instead, I am going to tell you the little white lies that added up.

You know the girl who sits by herself at lunch? The one whose cousin is in the loony bin because she tried to kill herself? The one who’s really smart, but not smart enough to sit with the ‘brains’? The one who’s different. Odd. Needs everything to be just so. That was me. Until I found a release. This release had consequences, I knew that. I just didn’t know how big they truly were. Let’s go back a few years… back to sixth grade.

Letter to my friend:

Dear friend,

I was scared when I realized what I had done. I ran in fear and disbelief to your house. I sobbed as I explained what I did.

“Please don’t tell anyone.” I beg. You swear you won’t, but by the end of the day you crack. You got too scared. You tell your mom, who in turn tells mine. You don’t remember this day and neither does my mom, but I do. The next time it happened, I was smart. I didn’t run to you. I didn’t run to anyone. I sat in my room and cried, ashamed but strangely bemused by what I was becoming. I got caught in a downward spiral. The more I did it, the more guilt that bundled inside me. The guiltier I felt, the more I did it.

White lie number one:  I’m okay.

You thought I stopped 3 years ago. Back when this battle between me and myself first began. You thought wrong. This war still rages inside of me. I win small battles, but in the long run, this monster that I have become is eating me alive. I still need help; it’s just that I don’t know how to ask. I pick my battles carefully, choosing the ones I know I’ll win. They are hard to come by nowadays.

White lie number two:  I stopped before I started.

There were many more white lies, dishonesties and half-truths that added up, but in the end, they all came back to haunt.

As you go through everyday life, you notice the kids who are different, who have little ‘quirks’. They start the year laughing then recede into their shell. The ones so careful to hide their true self under layers of clothing and hundreds of masks. So quick deflect questions that might uncover the mystery of the hidden wounds.

There are many lies told in day to day life, but whether they are white lies, black lies, or half-lies, the biggest lies of all are the ones you tell yourself.

No amount of words,

Can describe just how I feel,

But I know when ever I see you,

These feelings must be real,

When I’m on the verge of tears,

You always bring a smile to my face,

Spending time with you seems perfect,

No matter the time or place,

It’s hard to believe that life,

Existed before meeting you,

Because now you’re so important to me,

Without you, I don’t know what I’d do,

Have I ever told you?

Just how truly amazing you are?
You bring a light to my world,

Just like a shinning star,

You are more then just another guy,

To whom I call a friend,

You’re my piece of heaven,

And I’ll love you till the end!!

Love Always, Leah Nerys

Cry me to sleep,
let your tears be my song,
sing about our baby,
about what went wrong,
tell me he didn’t
just die in my arms,
make me believe
i kept him from harm,
the horrible man,
who broke in that night..
tell me he’s safer now,
that what i did was right,
i covered his little mouth,
so his cries wouldn’t give away where we hid,
and when he stopped crying,
i couldn’t believe what i just did.
he laid in my arms,
his blue eyes open and sad,
he was our son,
and all that we had.
I held him all night,
crying untill i had no more tears,
When you came home,
only you understood my fears,
that man took everything,
but it was nothing compared
to what i lost that night,
my child i bared.
so cry for me now,
cry for me and for you,
I’m so lost without him
and don’t know what to do.
I only wanted to protect him,
but instead, i took him away,
and i’ll never forgive
myself for that day,
sing me that sad song,
tell me again that it’s alrght,
Cry for me now,
and hold me through the night…

I love my daddy dearly,

And yet he brings me fear,

I’m to scared to even breathe,

Whenever he comes near,

He say’s I’m his Little Angel,

And then smacks me in the face,

I cry and cower in my room,

To afraid to stand my place,

His best friend is Captain Morgan,

Sometimes Bailey or even Jack,

And when combined it’s never good,

Then my world turns black,

Momma never even notices,

The bruises that always appear,

She works all day, and stays out at night,

I don’t blame her, I hate it here,

My friends all ask me questions,

They say I don’t look well,

Daddy tells me to keep it a secret,

So I can never tell,

I hear the front door open,

And daddy staggers to my room,

I say a prayer and silent goodbye,

As I know the pain will resume,

Life doesn’t seem worth living,

Without someone to care,

So what am I fighting for?

When all I feel is despair,

Despite I know he’s wrong,
I can’t let anyone know,

I must just stay strong,

And take all of daddy’s blows,

Lately the bottles empty faster,

And momma’s been gone for days,

The school keeps asking why I’m gone,

Daddy tells them it’s just a faze,

When really I’m looking down,

On my body still on a floor,

Daddy doesn’t even know,

I’m not his Little Angel anymore…

Every cut that takes the pain away,

Begins the start of a brand-new day.

I cut in the morning

I cut at night,

I cut so I can see the light

In this darkened beast that is me.

Parents they don’t understand

Why I wear my scars like cattle brands.

I wear them long

I wear them all

I wear them proudly most of all.

Proudly because they remind me

Of the times I found control.

Gaining control is the ultimate goal

far more than being loved or in health.

For as long as I have my scars,

I need no other wealth.

copyright Mariah Lichty 2010

you left my heart un-mended

cut deep into my soul

leaving me wary of those around me so much

that now i wear a crown of thorns.

it protects me from further heartbreak

while leaving my wounds unhealed.

wont you please come back with a sewing kit?

run a cross stitch along the broken seams of my beating heart.

One stitch could be the start of mending this broken heart.

There is a stake inside my soul,

Going deeper each minute that you’re gone.

So please come back to me.

each second you stay here, the longer you prolong my death.

You’re killing me in your absents,

yet you murdered me with your love.

copyright Mariah Lichty 2010